The most unreliable phrases in the English language are words like:

 “It’s All Over”

“It’s  finished”

“I never want to see you again”

“I don’t love you any more!”

Why do I say they are meaningless? Because nine times out of ten it is NOT yet all over. These words are seldom as final as they sound.

The “it” (the relationship) may be coming to an end (slowly).  It may mean that rthe speaker feels things are at a crisis point, which is often the point when they start to improve. It may be a cry for the other person to PLEASE stop ignoring  the problems and start working together on them. It may just be words spoken in the heat of anger. Often it’s just a bluff or a sign that the speaker is feeling fear, or panic or self doubt.

As a professional relationship specialist with 20 years of experience working with couples I have heard these phrases so often, heard people say these words to each other in front of me over and over again.

What I can tell you is that nine times out of ten the same couple will still be talking to each other  twelve months later.

Some couples will have resolved their problems. Many will still be working on issues. Some will be working their way through a drawn-out break-up process.

But in most cases both partners will still be involved in some way in the relationship in all its complexity.

It will still not be all over yet.

Sand castle syndrome

The one time you had better believe the statement is when someone acts like a kid who has built a magnificent sand castle on the beach, then appears to enjoy kicking it down with even greater enthusiasm.

No it’s not in the DSM series as far as I know and there is not much relevant material in Google under “sand castle syndrome” but most people have watched it happening or experienced it.

The difference in this case is that they seem more enthusiastic about the “it’s all over”  than they were about building the relationship. Let them go.

Have you seen this in a relationship? If you have please send me the details.

nutting@growingaware.com   .