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Each of us is inclined to find answers about what is ‘true love’ in those areas where we have the strongest needs. If our partner connects with us in a way that leaves those needs unmet we may see that partner as ‘not loving’ even though we connect quite well on some of the other ‘love channels’. As I listen to people who tell me they feel ‘loved’ or ‘not loved’ I notice many differences in what adds up to ‘love’ for different people. I began making notes recently and came up with the list below. If you could help by adding some more please e-mail me with your special ‘thing’ firstname.lastname@example.org
Of course, for each connection on each channel, there can be varying levels of personal or impersonal connections, which adds to the complexity.
Current feedback suggests the list may be more use as a way to help people who are feeling ‘not loved’ (in their particular ways) to talk about this with their partner, but I hope that it may also serve as a way for those in love to affirm their joy about just how many ways they feel loved. It certainly is not necessary to have a high score on all different aspects or to score highly on any of them all the time.
However the more different points on the list are working the more the relationship will feel something like the ‘soul-mate’ kind of connection we all seek.
Please do not use the list to criticise or blame your partner because you are not scoring high enough. The questions are designed to measure the quality of the “relationship” not about what either person should or should not do.
But do use it as a way to help you both talk about what is not working and what you can do to make your relationship even better.
Whatever is working or not working is as much your responsibility as it is your partner’s
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